Hello from Downundah! I’m so happy to be here in Sydney with my sister, but I’ve been traveling so much lately, I really miss that tall drink of water I call Jim. This time I am away from home for 10 days. I frequently imagine sharing my experiences here with him (walking Bondi Beach, seeing the 5-day old baby elephant at Taronga Zoo, and trying Vegemite for the first time). Of course, I am comforted that before I left home, I organized meals for my husband, wrote a to-do list for him to accomplish while I’m gone, and even suggested some playdates with friends to keep him entertained when I’m gone.
Jim doesn’t do this for me when he travels on business. There’s no need. In fact, when he goes away, I find solace knowing I’ve packed protein bars and snacks in his carry-on, matching clothes in his suitcase (Jim is color blind and doesn’t always like to be left to his own devices when entering professional settings), and a schedule of times we can call one another in his briefcase.
Am I his wife or his mom? Am I a control freak, or a caring, loving wife? Wait. Don’t answer that.
I’ve considered letting him take care of himself completely, but we’ve both established this pattern over the past six-and-a-half years of marriage, and I don’t want to pull the rug out from under the guy. And he takes care of me in lots of ways too (more on that in future posts). Plus, if it works for us, I guess it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Yet, though it gives me peace of mind to be an überhelpful wife, I wonder if adopting such a care-taking role is somehow damaging. Will I end up resentful at some point? I’ve teetered on that precipice before.
Is it natural for women to nurture their spouses? Is there a line that shouldn’t be crossed?
As I left for my Australia voyage, I outlined for Jim all the easy-to-prep meals for him in the fridge. I told him he should eat fresh fruit and vegetables each day, and that he should get plenty of sleep and drink lots of water. I had to laugh. Really, what harm is there if he devolves into his old bachelor-like lifestyle while I am away? I fell in love with that guy, after all.
I’ve come to realize: While we’ve chosen not to have kids, part of the enjoyment I get from my marriage comes from being able to take care of another human being.
Oh and Jim – by the way – I haven’t forgotten my promise to determine what direction toilets flush here in Australia. My guess is: downward. At least that’s what I hope.
- Robyn Okrant
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