May 17, 2010...10:02 am

Free Elena!

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America can’t handle unmarried women.  I, for one, feel that unattached women undermine the fabric of our country and pose a grave national security threat.  We cannot allow this injustice to occur any longer.  Women want to be married.  Women want children.  If they cannot find a husband or are unwilling to put in the necessary work to obtain a proposal, then we must intervene.   This national tragedy cannot continue any longer.

I propose the following:

Let’s pass legislation making single women eligible for disability benefits.  It will be called, “The Elena Kagen Bill.”  That will ease their work burden, freeing them to be on match.com at least forty hours a week.   We should encourage the formation of charities and non-profits dedicated to their struggle to find that special someone.  Let’s turn to the faith-based community to help take up the cause.  Wonderful organizations, such as Jews Against Shrews and CALL ME (Christian Alliance for Lonely Ladies Marrying Eventually) are already fighting the good fight.  I will petition Hollywood to organize a telethon to assist single women everywhere in getting access to the cute tops and blond highlights they so desperately need.  We should make tax credits available for women who opt for breast and lip enhancements.  Happy Hour will become a federally mandated program administered through places of worship and community centers across the country.   Single women will be served a strong cosmo and hot meal for free.

We must take action now.  We can’t afford to let talented women like Elena Kagan or Sonia Sotomayor reach the Supreme Court.  It’s too late for them.  But it’s not too late for the millions of American women still out there, haunting their places of work with debilitating addictions to ambition and drive.  This must end now.  Join me.  Let’s start a revolution.

-Cathleen Carr

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