What’s tradition worth to you?
I recently sat down to chat with my friend, Pamela Ferdinand, who is co-author of the book, Three Wishes: Our True Story of Good Friends, Crushing Heartbreak, and Astonishing Luck on Our Way to Love and Motherhood. Pam and I first met in New York at our mutual publisher’s offices last year and we hit it off right away. I was really fascinated to hear her thoughts on marriage as the story of her household could be filed under the “non-traditional” category. She very kindly came to my new place for a cup of tea and she pretended she didn’t see the 1/4″ of construction dust that sits on every surface in my living room.
I don’t want to give away too much of her fabulous book, but I can let this cat out of the bag: Pam decided she wanted to be a mom regardless of her marital status. She was hearing her biological clock ticking away and hadn’t yet met Mr. Right. I know many women in this position these days. Single, but with such a driving desire to be a mother, they are willing to go it alone. In the old days (and by “old days” I mean 20 years ago when I was starting college), single motherhood was a bit scandalous. Now it’s a widely accepted lifestyle choice. Many women in my own social circle are going this route these days. Either adopting or going to fertility clinics (or, in one case, a willing and virile male friend) to have children without the support of a spouse. Pam decided to use donor sperm but didn’t make use out of it, because the moment the little swimmers came into her ownership, she met the man who became the father of her beautiful daughter, and her life partner.
Pam bucked tradition by creating a family in the “wrong” order: first the career, then the kid, then the man. And she didn’t even marry the guy! And this is what fascinates me: her relationship with her significant other, Mark. She calls him her husband, although they aren’t married. She wears a ring, even though they aren’t legal. They share a bank account, a home, and most importantly, a child. She doesn’t see any need to make things legal to solidify her relationship. Pam said, “Traditional insinuates ‘better’ and I don’t buy that.” Pam has proof. Her more traditional parents got divorced after 25 years of marriage.
I was surprised to hear she never felt pressured to marry after she and Mark had their daughter. I kept expecting her to regale me with tales of judgmental relatives or neighbors. But, no. Pam has surrounded herself with a circle of people who are open-minded and supportive. In fact, she said the only reason at all they might have a wedding is to commit her love to Mark in front of her community. She told me, “I like the idea of standing up before your community and having them support your relationship.” Pam used that word a lot: Community. Cathleen and I talk a lot about the ‘village’ that helps a marriage thrive. We don’t have the same insular, private households that past generations of our families had. It seems we’re not alone.
I think what is most important about Pam and her co-authors Carey Goldberg and Beth Jones, is that they didn’t feel constrained by (or depend on) the traditional path designed for women. They found happiness, they built their families, they designed their lives, in a really inspiring way. “We decided what we really wanted and we tried to get it.” Pam said with friendly confidence.
Pam doesn’t judge anyone’s choice when it comes to marriage. What matters is love, not a piece of paper.” She said, “The way people treat each other – our relationships – are the key to make the world a better place. Just by having a nurturing and happy relationship makes the world a better place.”
Click to learn more about Pamela Ferdinand and her book Three Wishes.
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[...] Oprah”) spoke to me recently about marriage, non-marriage, and community today for her blog ready, set … wife! It’s a wonderful site, co-written with her friend Cathleen Carr, examining what it means to [...]
We have the same family arrangement as Pam – very normal one with nothing to surprise me. In fact I would be surprised if someone thought that the family Andrew & I have created together was surprising or bucked the “normal” trend. Maybe Australians are more liberal in their thinking? We send our daughter to a catholic school where a school friend of hers has two Mums (same sex family). I appreciate that the school community values the importance of diversity and understands that families come in all shapes and sizes!
What is tradition? The handing down of beliefs, customs and ways of doing things. If this is so then tradition means much to me. My family did blended family in the early seventies- not many children I knew split their time between their mum & dads (unlike now). We did blended before Dr. Phil & Oprah talked about it, there were no books or manuals. And we did it successfully because for the majority of the time all the parents put the interests and wellbeing of the children before their own needs – that is a tradition that means much and a belief I value.
When I visited Sydney this winter, I did find conversations surrounding marriage to be much more progressive than here in the States. In fact, one of the reporters I spoke to asked if American women are obsessed with marriage and finding Mr. Right. She asked because she felt most cinema from the US that she’s seen lately all had happily-ever-after endings that all revolved around getting a commitment from a man.
Thanks for sharing your story!